all i want for christmas

I was about 25 when I admitted to myself I was going bald. Really, I knew it was happening before that, I'd just gotten back from a hair cut and when I looked in the mirror, I saw it. I tried to brush it--maybe it was clumped...

It wasn't clumped. There wasn't enough of it to clump. Not in the front anyway. What was worse, it wasn't as much receding as it was falling out in patches--incongruous patches. I think I stared at the mirror for a while, distraught.

My life up until that point had been a battle with my hair. It was always a sort of bane. Unruly, irregularly curled--just a mess. I tried to keep it short, then I tried to go long, then I went shorter than the last time. It really didn't matter. It'd grow back like a Chia Pet only getting sun on one side. I spent the majority of my high school and college years in a baseball cap. It was better that way, even if I did get sweaty.

But that day, my hair had played it's cruelest trick of all. It refused to grow back. Later that night I decided to just get rid of it. Shave it off--except for some stubble, I didn't want to Bic it--and show the march of time that I was still the boss of my scalp.

It turned out to be one of my better decisions--I think I've made about four good ones in my life--after the purchase of a trusty hair buzzer (just $15), I haven't had to spend money on expensive shampoos or haircuts. A beany was required for winters, it gets cold up there, but otherwise, it's been smooth sailing ever since.

Until last week when my trusty buzzer gave out. It rattles and snorts and buzzes super loud and erratic. The sound echoes in my head. It makes my brain scream. I've been unable to use it, but I've also been unable to go out to the store and buy a new one, and now the hair is marching back in full force, everywhere but the top and front of course. Worst of all, it's really itchy; the baseball cap's come back and so has the forehead sweat. At night, right before I fall asleep, I swear I can hear those follicles laughing.