i went, i saw, i wish i'd saved the money

I went to see Saw tonight, and it was a total letdown. I'd heard mixed reviews, but part of me was still hopeful. The trailers just looked so good. I am sad to report that this is not the new Seven; it's not even close.

Here's the deal. Some serial killer doesn't actually kill anybody. He just locks them in rooms and lets them kill each other for him. There's all this music video kind of cinema photography and everything looks overly dingy. Even people's apartments look like dungeons. After a while, it got really annoying. Even the doctor character lived in this odd kind of brick mortuary. It's like, dude, if you're such a good surgeon, why don't you buy you, your wife and your daughter a place that doesn't look like Lurch's swinging bachelor pad.

Nit picking aside, the movie really did blow chunks on so many different levels. The villain was the new stereotypical villain. You know the type. The one who has every possible angle covered and just can't be caught. Even when you catch him, he's too smart for you. Don't even think about it. He's that good. It gets old really fast. Especially when the shit he can do becomes completely ridiculous. Apparently, he's able to out think everyone, he can create medieval style torture devices, had unlimited knowledge of the kind of shit that knocks people unconscious, can rewire cellphones so they can't call 911, can take a bullet or two without flinching, has staggering knowledge of stage makeup, can rig intricate traps and can be all stealthy and sneak up on you when you don't expect it. He's also a puppeteer. If you see the movie and are able to sit through it to the end, you'll see how ridiculous that all is.

He puts these people in these situations because "they don't know the real value of life." Or some such nonsense. He does though, and boy, will he learn you. Apparently it's putting people in these ridiculous situations and making torturous contraptions so they'll know that life's pretty cool. Of course, the people who actually escape--just one, I think--are so freaked out by the experience, they'll never really be able to enjoy the sanctity of life anyway. Go figure. I guess he didn't have that angle covered.

Anyway, the movie goes out of its way to make you go "that's fucked up," but the shit's so over the top and stupid looking that it never really is fucked up. Some girl gets put in some thing that will rip her head open and has to cut a key out of some dude's stomach to get out of it. Dude's supposed to be dead, but he's really just drugged up so he can't feel anything or move, but he's all looking at the chick like, what you doin'? when she's carving into his belly. They don't really show it, but they do make a quick cut to her playing with his intestines--to find the key of course!

There's a good deal of gore in it, and some of those ooo I'll jump out at you kind of scary moments, but nothing really atmospheric and creepy. After watching Seven, I felt so dirty and grimy, I thought I needed to take a shower and scrub my skin with a Brillo pad. After Saw I felt like I needed my money back. There is one creepy scene with a puppet, but puppets are just creepy, dammit. If you do see the movie, make it a drinking game and take a shot every time the film introduces a plot point that goes nowhere, makes up for the lack of story by throwing in some gore, ventures into lengthy extraneous dialog or two or more people struggle over a gun. I swear you'll get drunk real fast, and thusly, the movie will become much more enjoyable.