you'll never take me alive

I woke up this morning--like noonish--and laid in bed for an hour or so before I decided it was time to see what the rest of the world was up to. I only got as far as my living room to see that one of my roommates had purchased Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. These games get bad raps for good reason. They're not very nice. You have to do some pretty bad things in order to "win." And it's just sooo much fun.

Personally, I don't bother with the missions. I'm sure there's a story or whatever, but really, the story of a GTA game is about as necessary as the plotline of a porno. You're really only involved in either for one reason (albeit different reasons) so why dick around?

When I play GTA games, I go straight for the killing. I'll usually hit up police officers first because they have the weapons, then once I'm on the run, whoever is unfortunate enough to get in my way. I make up newspaper stories in my head about the massive killing spree in downtown or out by the airport or whatever, and I hoot and hollar and shout things like "Blaze of glory, muthafuckas!!!" or "Fuck off, pigs." While playing the game this evening, I beat up a police officer to grab his gun and nightstick, then I bust caps in a few more police officers and then ran into the nearest building for cover, because shit was getting too heavy outside. Little did I know, the building I ran into was a police station. There was a hail of bullets, but I moved my little virtual dude down to the jails and held up there for a while.

There were bodies everywhere. I blasted whoever peaked their head in to try to capture me. I got up to four stars on the wanted list before my virtual criminal was finally wasted. Blaze of glory, muthafucka!!!

I always feel weird after a GTA session. It's weirder to relay stories from the game because they just sound so awful--"I had to go down to the red light district and fuck some whores, then kill them and take their money." Gah! But I always feel refreshed in a way, too. Like I just worked out some dark inner demons in the safest venue possible--a stupid video game. I'm not even a violent person. Maybe being a criminal has some kind of draw to it...some romantic ideal where it's you against the law and acting without regard to society's rules. I don't know. Maybe it's just fun to watch things go boom.

I've never actually purchased a game in the series, but I don't see what the fuss is about. It's just a game, no matter how well made it is (San Andreas is mind bogglingly good). I wouldn't let my kids play it either, if I had kids, but I don't see why it should be taken off the shelves. It's harmless, mindless, extremely violent entertainment. No one's forcing anyone to buy it, and I think there a whole lot of real violent problems in the world (like why governments like to get in wars every couple of years) that are way more damaging than a little disk you slap into your PS2.

My favorite GTA story comes from my old boss who went down to Los Angeles for the E3 in 2003. He was over by the Rockstar games displays and saw a uniformed LAPD officer playing the game--slaying cops and having a grand old time at it too. My ex-boss tried to take a picture of the cop while he was playing the game, but the officer laughed and said "no way."