really, it's an honor just to be nominated

I have to say the Oscars wasn't a complete waste of time, but that's probably the whisky talking. Before I go on, I'd like to thank the good Canadians at Seagram's for making not only this post, but this entire weekend possible. Even though I was flat broke and feeling all depressed and anti-social, your bottle of VO made the past few days worth living. Thank you, Seagram's; sorry about this year's NHL season. I'd also like to thank R for hanging out via the World Wide Web and laughing at my lame jokes--many of which will appear in this post.

Here's some random kudos and observations delivered in soundbyte form because I'm too drunk to type it out proper.

Chris Rock kicks Billy Crystal's old ass. I'd like to see Chris back next year, though I sincerely doubt that will happen.

Best performance by a pair of breasts at an awards show: Clearly, this award belongs to Salma Hayek's impossibly perky and large bossom. God bless you.

Renee Zellweger looks much better fat.

Favorite moments included: Dude nominated for best live action short subject pretending he was asleep when his name was called; Spider-Man 2 winning award for best special effects (Go SPIDEY!!!); Jeremy Irons rolling with a production slip; Dustin Hoffman visibly wasted while awarding best picture; Sean Penn being all hipper than thou and coming to defense of Jude Law, who Chris Rock poked some fun at, seriously Sean...21 Grams was cool and all, but chill the fuck out; PRINCE! presenting an award.

Catalina, te quiero
(photo: Wireimage.com)

Whisky-fueled lust fantasy of the evening: This was a tough one. New comer Catalina Sandino Moreno from Maria Full of Grace is all kinds of dreamy, but even she was hardpressed to topple Halle Berry, who nearly sent me into shock. It's so tough to decide, I suppose I'll just have to call this one a draw. Don't worry ladies, there's plenty of me to go around for the both of you. Who needs a little gold man when you can spend five or so hot minutes with a doughy, balding man-boy? Everyone goes home a winner on Oscar night. Congrats!

Amost hot enough to forgive
kissing Fred Durst
in that crappy video
(photo: sky.com)

The Oscars seemed to fly by this year, but I think that had a lot to do with the booze. But It was, as always, super predictable. I think I only guessed incorrectly on two major awards--best screenplay (adapted) and the big one, best picture. I thought for sure it was going to go to The Aviator. Not that I saw The Aviator, or any of the films nominated for best picture. In fact, the only movies I saw that took home nominations were The Motorcycle Diaries, Maria Full of Grace, Super Size Me, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Incredibles, Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind and Spider-Man 2, which I guess is more than I thought, but damn if there aren't a whole bunch of categories.